Hagrid's CoMC Presents: the Chocobo
by Eigwayne
Summary: PG for a couple naughty words. A sort of Xover with Final Fantasy, in which Hagrid starts a new Care of Magical Creatures class with everyone's favorite bird, Chocobos! Insanely short and silly.


Hagrid's Care of Magical Creatures Presents: the Chocobo  
by Elise  
Rating: PG for mild language and Draco-bashing. Sorry.  
Feedback: That would very nice....  
Spoilers: Book 4, if you count the references to Blast-ended Skrewts  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter not mine, and therefore I cannot keep the Weasleys *sniffle* Final Fantasy not mine, and therefore neither are chocobos (damn!)  
Author's Notes: I wanted to do a serious fic, really. But these comedies just keep popping up... Anyways, this is my first published foray into HP humor, and is kind of a crossover with Final Fantasy. It came to me while I was playing Chocobo Hot and Cold in FF9. Now back to planning the Percy fic....  
I guess this is Ron, Hagrid, or Draco-centric, 'cause they get all the best lines. Although my Hagrid-speak is terrible.... 

Another fall came, and Harry Potter went back to Hogwarts for wizarding school. He was always glad to be back, even after their first disastrous Potions class. He'd never seen his friend Ron Weasley so angry, so embarassed since... ever. Hermione had appointed herself Ron's keeper since then, and was trying her best to keep him from blowing up, figuratively and literally, again. Although it was rough going, considering the people they had to see for certain classes....

"I wonder what sort of man-eating monster Hagrid's found for us this year," Draco Malfoy drawled as the Gryffindors and Slytherins gathered for their double Care of Magical Creatures class. Malfoy was high on both Harry and Ron's proverbial shit-lists. He was a pale boy with the biggest ego in all of England who delighted in teasing others. The debacle in Potions was more than a little bit his fault.

"I don't know how he's going to top those awful skrewts," Pansy Parkinson said to him.

"Dragons, probably."

"Ignore them, Ron," Hermione whispered. "Remember, the worst thing you can do to a show-off is ignore them."

"I know," Ron said forlornly, "but it's hard to ignore him when all I wanna do is pop him in the face." Harry agreed with Ron.

As they approached, they saw Hagrid's towering form in a pen with five huge, yellow birds. He waved as he saw them and gestured for them to enter the paddock with him.

"'Ey. Jes come back here. Today we've got a practical lesson."

"With those?" Draco sneered. "They're giant chickens!"

Five heads swivelled to look at the pale boy. "Waraaark..." one of them growled.

"Quiet, boy," Hagrid said, maybe to the bird. "Now, I'll have yeh know that this lesson was approved by the Headmaster, and that these birds are perfectly safe, once yeh know how to handle them. Which is what today is about. Yeh'll all be learnin' about one of the most versatile birds anywhere- the Chocobo!"

The class was silent. Then several people spoke at once.

"I know that name..."

"You're kidding!"

"That's so cute!"

"Giant chickens!" This last was of course from Draco, and set all the Slytherins snickering.

"Can I hit him? Please?" Ron asked Hermione. She shook her head sadly.

They were all interrupted by Dean's whoop of delight. "They're even cooler than in the games!"

"Games?"

"There're these videogames-"

"Videogames?"

"I'll tell you later Seamus. Anyways, in the Muggle world, they have chocobos, but everyone thinks they're not real, 'cause they're...."

"Kinda like pictures," Harry added. "Drawings that somebody made up."

"Yeah!"

"Wow," Hagrid murmured. "Muggles are such weird people... Chocobos not real....."

"Hagrid," Hermione started. "This is class.... Could you, you know, tell us about them? And maybe recommend a book or two?"

"O' course, 'Ermione. Yeh'll have to ask someone else about the books. Not much of a library person m'self... Anyways, chocobos are like people. They 'ave personalities an' hobbies an' dif'rent feather colors an' all. See, Edgar here-" he gestured to a stout bird that looked at them with his beak in the air- "He's bossy an' a little lazy. 'Im an' Zidane bicker over the ladies." Edgar seemed to wink at Parvati, who's eyes bulged. She took a step closer to Lavender.

"The one wi' the blue eyes, Cloud, likes to race- hates frogs, Neville, so keep an eye on Trevor..."

"Maybe he'll eat him and put him out of his misery," Draco said to Crabbe and Goyle, making Neville clutch his toad to his chest.

"This dark gold one is Quistis. She's a bit protective, but hasn't got any chicks right now, so it's safe ter be around her. And Zidane 'ere like ter dig, especially for treasure."

"Amazing! You should like that, Weasley; maybe he'll find some money for you!"

"That's it, Malfoy!" Before Harry could respond, Ron lurched at the other boy.

"Ron, no!" Hermione practically squealed as she grabbed his arm. "You can't afford to get any more points off after Potions!" Suddenly a yellow blur rushed by them and slammed into Malfoy, sending him sprawling.

"Ramza!" Hagrid barked. The yellow blur fluffed his feathers and looked indignant. Ramza was powerfully built, with a thick yellow beak and and sharp dark eyes. He stood over Draco with an air of victory.

"Waark!"

Malfoy had gotten headbutted by a chocobo.

The Gryffindors started laughing. "Giant chicken that! Hah!" Ron snickered at the downed Slytherin.

Draco sputtered, his initial surprise over. "Father will hear about this! You'll lose your job for sure this time-"

"Ye riled Ramza. 'E thinks 'e's the guardian here. Keeps the peace better than an Auror, 'e does. An' 'e's a fair better fighter than most people I know.

"Which brings me ta my next point- Don't make them mad."

******

That's it for now. I'm planning more, but I'm not sure if it's good. I don't want this to turn into a dissertation on types of chocobos. Oh well. Hope you enjoyed it! Reviews much appreciated, but not necessary. And anyone interested in beta-ing a Percy-centric series, let me know. I could use the help. -E


End file.
